I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
