my soul wont recognize me after tonight
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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