Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
