I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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