I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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