I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here