I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
