Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.