No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees