I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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