dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He better not be in your backpack
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
