i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
