Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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