So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
