Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
