there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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