Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
