Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
