my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
