He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
