Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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