My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
