we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
