You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
