bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
