OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There's always time for handjobs
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
