I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
