dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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