I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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