apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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