then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
