She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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