his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
