I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
