Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
