My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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