Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
