Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
