i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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