I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
