Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
