my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
