He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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