I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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