the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
