Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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