At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
