I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
