I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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