the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
