oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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