I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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