I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
