I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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