Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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