Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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