My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
