I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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