I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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