There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
