I heard we made out
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
